these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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