I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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