Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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