so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
me + whiskey = a bad person
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
