It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
