I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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