I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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