dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
