Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
