i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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