Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
His hands were made for my vagina.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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