Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I love you.
Bad choice
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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