You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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