I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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