I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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