I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
