Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
