watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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