at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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