Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
