You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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