Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
