At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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