Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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