What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
