Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
