I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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