Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
