Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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