listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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