My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
