all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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