I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
