my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Randomize
