There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
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Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
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Those nachos came to me in a dream
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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