Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
