Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
