You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
