my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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