I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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