Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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