Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
