she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
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I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
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Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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