Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
