Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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