mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I need a beard to bite.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
