new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
