I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
