wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
