I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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