I don't usually arrange sex via text message
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
