You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
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