If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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