Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
