Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I think I have vodka in my lungs
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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