Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
