I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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