So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
