Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Randomize
