I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I think I am morally bankrupt
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
